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- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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The ones you love...
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the way they love you...
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the way you love yourself.
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Namaste.
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Welcome to SmoothBrain's
guided meditation
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for navigating this difficult
time in your relationship.
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Exhale negativity.
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- Ava!
- Ah!
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Mario Cantone is so gay
that when he was born,
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the doctor spanked him, and he said...
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Can you knock?
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Why would he knock on a baby's butt?
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No, I mean, can you knock on the door
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before you barge into my room?
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Oh, well, first of all,
this is my room in my house.
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And this isn't just any "room."
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I mean, this is the
1987 to '92 guest suite.
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I know, and it's disturbing.
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I'm surrounded by photos
of you shaking hands
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with literal war criminals. Can
I hide some of these pictures?
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No. Okay, back to the roast joke.
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Mario Cantone is so gay
that when he was born,
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the doctor spanked him, and he said...
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Now spin around. It's my turn.
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Ha! That's good. That's good.
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Okay, I'm going to leave the door open.
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I want to air this room out.
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I received a call.
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As I was saying, the host of the...
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Badz Cicho! Badz Cicho!
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They're Polish... for some reason.
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Anyway, Danny Collins called me.
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He's leaving late night.
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I have been waiting over 40
years for a second chance.
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This is it.
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I want that chair.
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Okay, full-body chills.
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- Feel. Goose bumps.
- No.
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Okay, I know this isn't my
world, but doesn't the network
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already know who they want to take over?
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Well, normally, that's how it works,
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but right now there's
no clear successor.
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Plus, everybody is still talking
about Deborah guest-hosting.
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So, even though it's a long shot,
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if ever there was a moment, this is it.
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It's not going to be easy.
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This network has ever
hired a woman for 11:30...
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or anyone as old as me
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or, let's be honest, a blonde.
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It'd be easier to get elected president.
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Should we just do that, then?
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God, I'd love to get my
hands on those gardens.
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But every time I'm at the White House,
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it just... I don't
know... it feels small.
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Sure.
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Anyway, the next few weeks
are going to be critical.
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I need to be sharper and
funnier than I've ever been,
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which is why Ava has
so generously agreed
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to come here on her hiatus.
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First up is my roast. Jimmy,
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is there someone from
the network we can invite?
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- Oh, yeah, I'm already on it.
- Fantastic.
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More importantly, Damien, schedule me
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for a lymphatic drainage and a Fraxel.
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Ava, you need to fire my new writers.
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- Excuse me?
- Yeah, they're in her office.
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They've been here for a
while. I gave them nuts.
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Are you serious?
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No, I can't fire them.
We know each other.
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I cannot afford to have
any new enemies out there.
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This'll soften the blow.
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Are you being real?
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No, don't... Wait, what
are you walking away for?
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- Hey, Jimmy, tell her...
- Okej!
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It's like someone's making
French toast all the time.
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- Yeah.
- But they're not.
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Like, there's no one in
the kitchen right now,
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I don't think.
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Hey, hey. What is up, my dudes?
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- Ava?
- Hey.
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Yep, it's your girl.
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You guys enjoying Vegas or...
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- I mean, yeah, it's fine.
- It's okay.
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Like, it's a little weird.
I can't find vegetables.
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- Totally.
- So I do have news...
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from the big D.
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Um, how do I say this?
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Uh, do you guys remember in "Ice Age 12"
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when Scrat had to let
the Puffin Twins go
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so they could swim back to Puffin Island
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because there was no more
room left on the iceberg?
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- Are you firing us?
- No, no.
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- Yes.
- What?
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- Oh, my God.
- This is good for you.
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I mean, you guys don't want to be here.
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- This is your fault.
- What?
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- What do you mean it's my fault?
- You are deadweight.
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It's why you didn't make
"Lampoon" until junior year.
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- You're not funny.
- You're not funny!
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You can't write a joke.
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I don't understand watching "30 Rock"
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and changing one word
of a Carlock script
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and being like, I'm a professional.
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Oh, my God, your obsession with
comparing me to Robert Carlock.
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- That was horrible.
- Oh, you'll get over it.
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No, I will never get over
it. One of them cried.
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Oh, that's good.
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You know, it's the ones who don't cry
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who always bring
wrongful-termination lawsuits.
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Hey, yoo-hoo. Sorry to interrupt.
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Um, I'm on the phone with
the roast producers, and...
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They're on mute. Don't worry.
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They're saying that it's really helpful
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if a family member roasts the honoree,
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and they pitched DJ.
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- Absolutely not.
- Or...
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Kathy. Vance. Your sister.
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- I'll ask DJ.
- Great.
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She loves the idea. She's freaking out.
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Yes, she's going to call.
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Ooh, I forgot to show you.
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I had Damien make this.
It is a full-body printout
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of everybody who's doing the roast.
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This way, we can concentrate
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on attacking their physical flaws.
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Just want to say... roasts are vile.
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I mean, everything about
them is problematic.
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The material punches down, almost always
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at the expense of women and
other marginalized groups.
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It's almost fascistic when
you think about it, you know?
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So I have a question for you.
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What if we reinvent the roast?
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Do, like, an uplifting version of it?
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I have a question for you.
What rhymes with "flat tits"?
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- I'll look it up on RhymeZone.
- Great.
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- Hello, Ms. Vance.
- Hi, April.
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Oh, I missed you.
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Is this an okay place to set up?
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Yeah, it's great.
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Okay...
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Um, I'm not going to
sit here and pitch jokes
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while you have Botox
needles in your face.
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Well, too bad. I was going to
give you ten units for free.
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- Can I do my armpits?
- Please.
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Sweetie, please, elbows off the table.
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The self-tanner stains.
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And put your napkin in your lap.
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- Mom, I'm an adult.
- Here's your plain pasta with butter.
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Ooh, thank you.
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Okay.
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- My roast.
- Mm-hmm.
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The producers want to
know if you'll perform.
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Now, I know that sounds a little scary,
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but think of all the
D'Jewelry you can promote
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and might be a nice bonding
experience for the two of us.
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Oh, right.
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Yeah, what better way to
bond than let you insult me
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in front of tens of millions of people?
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Tens of millions, that'd be great.
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Honey, sit up straight.
Your posture is atrocious.
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Okay, yeah, I'm going to pass.
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- Oh, come on.
- Nah, that sounds
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like a lose-lose situation for me,
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and I just don't need that kind
of stress in my life right now.
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I-I get it. I get it.
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But, honey, this is
such a big deal for me.
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Is there anything I
can do to convince you?
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Yes.
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Come to my recovery
meeting with me tomorrow.
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I'll write you a check for $25,000.
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Mom, come on.
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You've never come to one
of these with me before.
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And tomorrow's a really big deal.
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It's my five-year anniversary.
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Please? It would
really mean a lot to me.
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- Sure.
- Really?
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Yeah, okay.
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Oh, awesome. Thank you.
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You know what?
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I think you're actually
going to enjoy yourself.
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There are women there who
are 20 years younger than you
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but look 30 years older.
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- Ooh, that sounds fun.
- Right.
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Ava.
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- Hey. I missed you so much.
- Ooh.
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00:08:01,394 --> 00:08:04,647
Um, I thought this was
a school fundraiser.
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00:08:04,730 --> 00:08:08,317
Girl, it is. It's the PTA fashion show.
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But why are all the
women so unbelievably hot?
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Okay, horny.
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Girl, this is Las Vegas.
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Most of the moms here
are showgirls, acrobats,
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or, like, married to a Raider.
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Yeah, makes sense.
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Um, are... are there...
are there kids here?
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No, of course not.
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This fundraiser is for
the older, rich dads
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00:08:27,295 --> 00:08:29,130
with late-in-life kids
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00:08:29,213 --> 00:08:31,173
to open up their
hearts and their wallets
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00:08:31,257 --> 00:08:33,301
so the school can finally
have a botanical garden.
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00:08:33,384 --> 00:08:34,594
Totally.
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00:08:34,677 --> 00:08:35,845
Denise. Waist, very snatched.
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00:08:35,928 --> 00:08:37,596
Ass, very fat.
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00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:41,017
Also, I love Stephanie's
diorama on the Hoover Dam.
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I learned so much.
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Mmm. That's, uh, quite good.
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00:08:48,441 --> 00:08:51,027
Ironically, it would pair
well with a nice dry Chablis.
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That'd be super funny if this wasn't NA.
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Look who's finally made it in.
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00:08:56,339 --> 00:08:57,408
- It's Deborah Senior.
- Oh.
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00:08:57,491 --> 00:08:59,035
Mom, this is Laurie, my therapist.
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00:08:59,118 --> 00:09:01,037
She leads group.
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00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,873
Oh, so you're the one who
got my little girl clean.
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00:09:03,956 --> 00:09:05,291
Well, my car insurance
owes you a gift basket.
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00:09:05,374 --> 00:09:08,544
Okay.
216
00:09:08,628 --> 00:09:10,129
You crack me up.
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I'm sorry I look crap.
218
00:09:11,213 --> 00:09:13,507
I mean, when DJ texted
that you were coming,
219
00:09:13,591 --> 00:09:15,259
I really wanted to look my best.
220
00:09:15,343 --> 00:09:17,386
But my hairdresser had a hip
replacement, and I just...
221
00:09:17,470 --> 00:09:19,722
I-I think it has quite
seriously affected her work.
222
00:09:19,805 --> 00:09:21,557
- You look lovely.
- Oh, thank you.
223
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:23,225
Oh, DJ, you need to Zelle me
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00:09:23,309 --> 00:09:25,144
for dues and the, um, caramel frappe.
225
00:09:25,227 --> 00:09:27,146
- Mm, mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
226
00:09:27,229 --> 00:09:30,483
Oh, while I remember, which one was it?
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00:09:30,566 --> 00:09:31,567
- The five.
- That's right. I knew that.
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00:09:31,650 --> 00:09:33,402
Your garbage is in the way.
229
00:09:33,486 --> 00:09:36,197
- There we go.
- Thank you so much.
230
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,157
Um, normally, I have to say, you know,
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00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,034
don't be scared about
speaking to the group,
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00:09:40,117 --> 00:09:42,078
but I think this time, you
are going to be just fine.
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00:09:42,161 --> 00:09:43,245
Mark, no!
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00:09:43,329 --> 00:09:45,331
Just use a plate.
235
00:09:45,414 --> 00:09:46,916
Sorry, guys, I just, um...
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00:09:46,999 --> 00:09:48,530
I just got to make sure
that everybody uses a plate,
237
00:09:48,531 --> 00:09:50,085
'cause if there's lots of crumbs,
238
00:09:50,086 --> 00:09:51,253
there's lots of rats,
aren't there? Loads.
239
00:09:51,337 --> 00:09:54,715
Thank you. Sorry. Bye.
240
00:09:54,799 --> 00:09:56,425
She's great, right?
241
00:09:56,509 --> 00:09:58,052
Y-yeah.
242
00:09:58,135 --> 00:10:01,222
- Um, so I have to say something?
- Yeah, duh.
243
00:10:01,305 --> 00:10:03,182
Say a couple nice words,
present me with the chip.
244
00:10:03,265 --> 00:10:04,308
It's not a big deal.
245
00:10:07,186 --> 00:10:10,231
Okay.
246
00:10:10,314 --> 00:10:11,982
Like, tighter. Even tighter.
247
00:10:12,066 --> 00:10:13,099
Like, don't be afraid to break a rib.
248
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:15,903
Yeah. Yeah.
249
00:10:15,986 --> 00:10:17,113
Sorry. One sec.
250
00:10:17,196 --> 00:10:18,572
- Hello?
- Hi.
251
00:10:18,656 --> 00:10:20,491
I need you to write a few words for me
252
00:10:20,574 --> 00:10:22,284
about how proud I am of DJ
for being five years clean.
253
00:10:22,368 --> 00:10:24,120
Short, sweet, nothing too maudlin.
254
00:10:24,203 --> 00:10:25,955
Okay. When do you need it by?
255
00:10:26,038 --> 00:10:27,540
ASAP. I'm here now.
256
00:10:27,623 --> 00:10:29,250
Just text it to me.
257
00:10:29,333 --> 00:10:31,252
All right, I'll send you
something in a minute.
258
00:10:31,335 --> 00:10:32,795
- Who was that?
- Deborah.
259
00:10:32,878 --> 00:10:37,258
She wants me to write something
for DJ's recovery group.
260
00:10:37,341 --> 00:10:38,634
Mm, that's messed up.
261
00:10:38,717 --> 00:10:40,636
Isn't that, like, personal stuff?
262
00:10:40,719 --> 00:10:42,972
What, she want you to write
her diary entries for her, too?
263
00:10:43,055 --> 00:10:44,140
I did once write her food journal
264
00:10:44,223 --> 00:10:45,558
for "Woman's Day" magazine.
265
00:10:45,641 --> 00:10:47,518
- It was pretty good.
- Ava...
266
00:10:47,601 --> 00:10:51,021
look at yourself in the mirror.
267
00:10:51,105 --> 00:10:55,985
You are a bad bitch, in-demand
executive producer now.
268
00:10:56,068 --> 00:10:58,404
Co-producer. It's a couple levels below.
269
00:10:58,487 --> 00:10:59,780
You know that Deborah
used to treat me the same?
270
00:10:59,864 --> 00:11:04,535
Expecting me to deal blackjack
at her house on a moment's notice.
271
00:11:04,618 --> 00:11:07,538
But then I had Luna, and
I said, Deborah, look,
272
00:11:07,621 --> 00:11:10,416
my daughter is my number-one
priority right now.
273
00:11:10,499 --> 00:11:12,293
If you want me to be somewhere,
274
00:11:12,376 --> 00:11:14,295
you got to give me at
least 24 hours' notice
275
00:11:14,378 --> 00:11:16,672
- to get a babysitter.
- And that worked?
276
00:11:16,755 --> 00:11:20,468
No, but she did offer to pay
Luna's school tuition here instead.
277
00:11:20,551 --> 00:11:22,511
They have amazing after-school
care, so I can go whenever.
278
00:11:22,595 --> 00:11:24,513
But the point is, I
did set that boundary.
279
00:11:24,597 --> 00:11:27,808
And now Luna can play the French horn.
280
00:11:27,892 --> 00:11:30,352
You've got to set boundaries
281
00:11:30,436 --> 00:11:34,773
and keep things appropriate.
282
00:11:34,857 --> 00:11:36,525
- You're right.
- Yeah.
283
00:11:36,609 --> 00:11:39,820
Can you sprinkle some of this
glitter on the top of my ass crack?
284
00:11:39,904 --> 00:11:41,697
- Like, just blow on it.
- Sure.
285
00:11:46,869 --> 00:11:48,996
Dang, why is your breath so hot?
286
00:11:49,079 --> 00:11:50,498
Sorry.
287
00:11:50,581 --> 00:11:54,251
I am so happy to give
you this ten-year chip.
288
00:11:54,335 --> 00:11:58,214
I love you.
289
00:12:03,052 --> 00:12:04,345
Thank you, Sarah.
290
00:12:04,428 --> 00:12:07,389
And now, last but not least, is Deborah
291
00:12:07,473 --> 00:12:11,560
to give DJ her five-year chip.
292
00:12:16,982 --> 00:12:18,817
DJ...
293
00:12:18,901 --> 00:12:22,905
I know sobriety has been
a difficult battle for you,
294
00:12:22,988 --> 00:12:24,698
and I haven't always made it easier.
295
00:12:24,782 --> 00:12:27,576
But seeing you here with your friends
296
00:12:27,660 --> 00:12:31,038
and seeing the progress you've made
297
00:12:31,121 --> 00:12:33,415
and the resilience you've shown
298
00:12:33,499 --> 00:12:35,668
over the last five years just...
299
00:12:35,751 --> 00:12:38,712
fills my heart.
300
00:12:44,969 --> 00:12:46,595
Oh, thank you.
301
00:12:46,679 --> 00:12:50,015
You know, DJ's childhood
wasn't what you'd call stable
302
00:12:50,099 --> 00:12:52,476
or...
303
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,770
normal or even lucid.
304
00:12:54,854 --> 00:12:56,596
You know, until she was
seven, she said the kitchen
305
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,983
was "the place where
we kept the batteries."
306
00:13:00,109 --> 00:13:03,279
Every time she rode a
bike, she got pulled over.
307
00:13:05,739 --> 00:13:07,700
In kindergarten, she
learned her ABCs backwards
308
00:13:07,783 --> 00:13:10,953
so she could recite them to a cop.
309
00:13:11,036 --> 00:13:14,915
No, but, seriously, we're
all, uh, really proud of DJ,
310
00:13:14,999 --> 00:13:19,420
and not just me... her whole
family and all her friends,
311
00:13:19,503 --> 00:13:21,297
like Mario Cantone.
312
00:13:21,380 --> 00:13:25,884
Speaking of Mario, by the
way, Mario Cantone is so gay...
313
00:13:25,968 --> 00:13:27,970
This casino-dealer mother
to second grader Luna
314
00:13:28,053 --> 00:13:31,056
is not playing the
odds with this outfit.
315
00:13:31,140 --> 00:13:33,225
It's Kiki Laos.
316
00:13:46,071 --> 00:13:47,072
Hot.
317
00:13:47,156 --> 00:13:49,158
Hot.
318
00:13:51,035 --> 00:13:54,371
Well, that was fun.
319
00:13:54,455 --> 00:13:55,539
I should be coming to
these things more often.
320
00:13:55,623 --> 00:13:58,334
Are you fucking kidding me?
321
00:13:58,417 --> 00:13:59,877
All you had to do was focus
on me for just a few minutes,
322
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,921
but, no, you had to go
telling your shitty jokes.
323
00:14:03,005 --> 00:14:05,257
- "Shitty"?
- Mom.
324
00:14:05,341 --> 00:14:09,053
I have been begging you to come to
these meetings with me for years.
325
00:14:09,136 --> 00:14:11,889
This place is important
to me and to my healing.
326
00:14:11,972 --> 00:14:13,724
But, of course, the
first time you show up,
327
00:14:13,807 --> 00:14:15,601
you just make it all about yourself.
328
00:14:15,684 --> 00:14:17,853
Well, to be fair, all
the jokes were about you.
329
00:14:17,936 --> 00:14:20,939
Oh, my God, you can't even
stop telling jokes now?
330
00:14:21,023 --> 00:14:24,234
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I
didn't do therapy good,
331
00:14:24,318 --> 00:14:25,861
you know, but at least I showed up.
332
00:14:25,944 --> 00:14:27,863
Well, I really wish you hadn't.
333
00:14:27,946 --> 00:14:29,156
You know, I don't need this.
334
00:14:29,239 --> 00:14:31,867
I came, even though this is
a very important time for me.
335
00:14:31,950 --> 00:14:34,119
Well, it's a very important
time for me, too, Mom.
336
00:14:34,203 --> 00:14:35,537
I'm pregnant.
337
00:14:39,333 --> 00:14:43,295
Well, I wish I wasn't
finding out like this.
338
00:14:43,379 --> 00:14:44,505
I wasn't supposed to tell anybody
339
00:14:44,588 --> 00:14:48,050
until after the anatomy scan,
because, technically, it's...
340
00:14:48,133 --> 00:14:49,700
it's a geriatric pregnancy.
341
00:14:49,701 --> 00:14:51,722
Don't you dare say a goddamn word!
342
00:14:53,305 --> 00:14:54,390
Honey, I...
343
00:14:54,473 --> 00:14:58,310
Wow. It's...
344
00:14:58,394 --> 00:15:00,637
Congratulations. This is amazing.
345
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:04,274
- Come on, give me a hug.
- I'm not giving you a hug.
346
00:15:04,358 --> 00:15:07,319
You know, one of the very first
thoughts I had when I found out
347
00:15:07,403 --> 00:15:09,279
that I was having a baby was,
348
00:15:09,363 --> 00:15:10,700
how do I protect my child
349
00:15:10,701 --> 00:15:13,501
from getting fucked up
by you for shit like this?
350
00:15:16,954 --> 00:15:18,789
I'm walking home.
351
00:15:19,372 --> 00:15:22,026
Oh, come on, at least take an Uber.
352
00:15:22,027 --> 00:15:24,920
I'm locked out of my account!
353
00:15:36,782 --> 00:15:38,500
- Ew!
- W-what the hell?
354
00:15:38,501 --> 00:15:39,768
Why doesn't anyone here knock?
355
00:15:39,852 --> 00:15:41,520
Why don't you shut the bathroom door?
356
00:15:41,603 --> 00:15:43,731
I don't have to shut
the door... it's my room.
357
00:15:43,814 --> 00:15:45,107
Oh, I saw something.
358
00:15:45,190 --> 00:15:46,567
What do you want?
359
00:15:46,650 --> 00:15:47,943
Well, I'll tell you what I want.
360
00:15:48,026 --> 00:15:50,154
What I want is to rip
my mom a new asshole.
361
00:15:50,237 --> 00:15:51,237
So my roast jokes are gold,
362
00:15:51,238 --> 00:15:54,283
but what I'm struggling
with is my catchphrase.
363
00:15:54,366 --> 00:15:55,951
"Catchphrase"?
364
00:15:56,034 --> 00:15:57,828
Yeah, every good comedian
has a catchphrase.
365
00:15:57,911 --> 00:15:59,121
Your mom doesn't.
366
00:15:59,204 --> 00:16:00,622
Well, not anymore,
367
00:16:00,706 --> 00:16:02,124
but she used to say,
"Put down the fork!"
368
00:16:02,207 --> 00:16:04,126
- Right.
- So this is what I'm thinking.
369
00:16:04,209 --> 00:16:06,462
Are you ready?
370
00:16:06,545 --> 00:16:08,839
What a cunt!
371
00:16:08,922 --> 00:16:11,508
Oh... Wow.
372
00:16:11,592 --> 00:16:13,343
- That is strong.
- Yeah.
373
00:16:13,427 --> 00:16:15,971
Um, can I hear what else you've written?
374
00:16:16,054 --> 00:16:17,890
Yeah, yeah. Okay, um...
375
00:16:17,973 --> 00:16:20,142
All right, my mom's so old,
376
00:16:20,225 --> 00:16:24,354
her social security
number is 2. What a cunt!
377
00:16:24,438 --> 00:16:27,107
Um, yeah, that... that sounds
378
00:16:27,191 --> 00:16:28,650
like it came out of, like, a joke book.
379
00:16:28,734 --> 00:16:30,652
Yeah, that's where I got it.
380
00:16:30,736 --> 00:16:32,654
- Is that not allowed?
- Not really.
381
00:16:32,738 --> 00:16:33,822
Hmm.
382
00:16:33,906 --> 00:16:37,785
Ooh, what if I change
the number 2 to 69?
383
00:16:37,868 --> 00:16:39,119
Not really the issue.
384
00:16:39,203 --> 00:16:40,370
- 420?
- Yeah, we...
385
00:16:40,454 --> 00:16:42,498
I don't know any other funny numbers.
386
00:16:42,581 --> 00:16:44,666
It... it's more so the...
the joke book thing.
387
00:16:44,750 --> 00:16:46,835
Made me laugh. Okay, um...
388
00:16:46,919 --> 00:16:48,837
Oh, God, you're going
to die. This is so good.
389
00:16:48,921 --> 00:16:51,173
Okay, my mom's always on her phone
390
00:16:51,256 --> 00:16:52,508
looking at real estate apps.
391
00:16:52,591 --> 00:16:54,468
I'm like, stop looking for houses
392
00:16:54,551 --> 00:16:57,221
and start looking for a damn grave site.
393
00:16:57,304 --> 00:16:58,722
What a cunt!
394
00:16:58,806 --> 00:16:59,890
Vicious.
395
00:16:59,973 --> 00:17:02,267
She's old.
396
00:17:02,351 --> 00:17:04,061
Um, okay.
397
00:17:04,144 --> 00:17:06,647
So I'm feeling like for
you, maybe one-liners
398
00:17:06,730 --> 00:17:08,190
is not going to be, like,
necessarily the way to go.
399
00:17:08,273 --> 00:17:12,027
What if you tried telling
funny stories about your mom
400
00:17:12,110 --> 00:17:14,238
from, like, real-life experiences?
401
00:17:14,321 --> 00:17:15,614
Wait.
402
00:17:15,697 --> 00:17:19,660
You're saying that the
truth might hurt her more.
403
00:17:19,743 --> 00:17:23,497
- Yeah.
- Whatever hurts her the most.
404
00:17:23,580 --> 00:17:24,706
- Yeah.
- Okay.
405
00:17:24,790 --> 00:17:27,543
Okay. You are good.
406
00:17:27,626 --> 00:17:30,879
- Yeah, yeah, I'm all right.
- I'm pregnant.
407
00:17:30,963 --> 00:17:33,048
What? Holy shit.
408
00:17:33,131 --> 00:17:34,716
- Give me a hug.
- Congrats.
409
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:38,345
Oh, my God. Congratulations.
410
00:17:38,428 --> 00:17:41,765
Oh, I'm going to be an uncle.
411
00:17:41,849 --> 00:17:43,976
Yeah. Oh, my God.
412
00:17:44,059 --> 00:17:45,978
I'm really... really feeling nauseous.
413
00:17:46,061 --> 00:17:47,896
Do you have any plain crackers in here?
414
00:17:47,980 --> 00:17:49,690
- Um, yeah.
- Thank you.
415
00:17:49,773 --> 00:17:52,568
- Yeah, I actually do.
- Yeah, yeah, could you hurry?
416
00:17:52,651 --> 00:17:54,111
Hey.
417
00:17:54,194 --> 00:17:56,238
So, just so you know,
418
00:17:56,321 --> 00:17:59,700
DJ asked me to help
with her roast material.
419
00:17:59,783 --> 00:18:00,784
Oh.
420
00:18:00,868 --> 00:18:02,744
How is it?
421
00:18:02,828 --> 00:18:05,163
It's, um...
422
00:18:05,247 --> 00:18:09,126
Have you thought about
maybe having her not do it?
423
00:18:09,209 --> 00:18:12,170
- Oh, God, is it that bad?
- Yeah.
424
00:18:12,254 --> 00:18:13,914
I don't want her to embarrass herself,
425
00:18:13,998 --> 00:18:16,175
especially if she's pregnant.
426
00:18:16,258 --> 00:18:17,968
Congratulations, by the way.
427
00:18:18,051 --> 00:18:21,263
If you're looking for a
name, Ava is beautiful...
428
00:18:21,346 --> 00:18:23,265
very hot-girl vibes.
429
00:18:23,348 --> 00:18:24,808
Okay.
430
00:18:24,892 --> 00:18:27,336
- I'll talk to her.
- About the name?
431
00:18:28,020 --> 00:18:29,563
About the roast.
432
00:18:39,665 --> 00:18:40,674
What do you want?
433
00:18:40,858 --> 00:18:42,910
- May I come in?
- You may not.
434
00:18:42,993 --> 00:18:45,954
Okay. Okay, listen, I feel terrible,
435
00:18:46,038 --> 00:18:47,956
terrible about what
happened the other night,
436
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,625
and I want to help you out.
437
00:18:49,708 --> 00:18:50,959
I want to set you and Aidan up
438
00:18:51,043 --> 00:18:52,794
with round-the-clock nanny care.
439
00:18:52,878 --> 00:18:54,588
I want to hire a chef who
can come up with a meal plan
440
00:18:54,671 --> 00:18:56,173
to make sure you're
getting enough folate.
441
00:18:56,256 --> 00:18:58,300
And I'm going to buy some
baby toys that educate
442
00:18:58,383 --> 00:19:00,135
- but also have no sound.
- Yeah.
443
00:19:00,218 --> 00:19:02,721
Uh, no, thank you. I don't
need anything from you.
444
00:19:02,804 --> 00:19:04,890
I'm perfectly capable of
handling this pregnancy
445
00:19:04,973 --> 00:19:06,224
on my own.
446
00:19:06,308 --> 00:19:08,143
I... Yeah.
447
00:19:08,226 --> 00:19:10,979
Um, well, look, at least let
me help you out with the roast.
448
00:19:11,063 --> 00:19:13,649
I-I know from experience how
stressful performing can be
449
00:19:13,732 --> 00:19:15,150
when you're pregnant.
450
00:19:15,233 --> 00:19:17,277
So I came up with an entire set for you.
451
00:19:17,361 --> 00:19:18,737
All you have to do is stand up
there and read it... easy peasy.
452
00:19:18,820 --> 00:19:20,989
Oh, my God!
453
00:19:21,073 --> 00:19:23,659
This is my Cornell admissions
essay all over again.
454
00:19:23,742 --> 00:19:25,327
I wrote you a gorgeous essay.
455
00:19:25,410 --> 00:19:27,996
News flash, Mom... I'm
stronger than you think,
456
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:29,831
and I'm going to do the roast my way,
457
00:19:29,915 --> 00:19:31,249
and I'm going to crush it.
458
00:19:31,333 --> 00:19:33,502
And when I'm done doing
my roast all over you,
459
00:19:33,585 --> 00:19:36,713
they're probably going to
offer me a late-night show.
460
00:19:36,797 --> 00:19:38,090
I just don't want you to get hurt.
461
00:19:38,173 --> 00:19:39,841
You're the one who's going to get hurt
462
00:19:39,925 --> 00:19:41,343
when I rip you a new one.
463
00:19:41,426 --> 00:19:44,304
Please, please, let's not fight.
464
00:19:44,388 --> 00:19:46,431
I-I just want to support you
465
00:19:46,515 --> 00:19:49,518
and my future granddaughter.
466
00:19:49,601 --> 00:19:51,520
You don't know the gender yet.
467
00:19:51,603 --> 00:19:54,356
Well, they say little
girls steal your beauty,
468
00:19:54,439 --> 00:19:57,234
and your hair's been
looking a little bit thinner.
469
00:20:06,660 --> 00:20:09,037
I was so relieved when we got Mario.
470
00:20:09,121 --> 00:20:12,124
I know. He's going to
bring amazing energy.
471
00:20:12,207 --> 00:20:14,084
Oh, wait, have you
seen any of DJ's jokes?
472
00:20:14,167 --> 00:20:15,836
- How are they?
- No. I don't know.
473
00:20:15,919 --> 00:20:17,713
She wouldn't send them
in for the prompter.
474
00:20:17,796 --> 00:20:21,008
- Oh.
- I know.
475
00:20:21,091 --> 00:20:22,217
Hello.
476
00:20:22,301 --> 00:20:24,761
- Oh, hello, Ava.
- What's up?
477
00:20:24,845 --> 00:20:26,972
Nice to see you, Ava.
478
00:20:27,055 --> 00:20:28,640
Don't worry, Mom. They're
almost done with me.
479
00:20:28,724 --> 00:20:30,434
I'm sure they're going
to need all hands on deck
480
00:20:30,517 --> 00:20:31,517
- to finish you up.
- Oh, make sure
481
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:33,770
you contour her nose and
fill in those eyebrows.
482
00:20:33,854 --> 00:20:37,065
She's an over-tweezer.
483
00:20:37,149 --> 00:20:40,068
Sorry to intrude,
484
00:20:40,152 --> 00:20:42,237
but I couldn't wait to
meet the Deborah Vance.
485
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,865
- Hi, I'm Jack Danby.
- Hi.
486
00:20:44,948 --> 00:20:46,950
Nice to meet a young man with manners.
487
00:20:47,034 --> 00:20:48,827
Well, it's nice to meet
a young woman with class.
488
00:20:48,910 --> 00:20:49,960
Oh, please.
489
00:20:49,961 --> 00:20:51,204
And I love seeing a man who knows
490
00:20:51,288 --> 00:20:53,957
- how to dress for these events.
- Thank you.
491
00:20:54,041 --> 00:20:56,334
No, I'm always saying, I was
born in the wrong generation.
492
00:20:56,418 --> 00:20:58,545
I-I hate athleisure wear,
and I love to drink at lunch.
493
00:20:59,796 --> 00:21:02,507
But, seriously, I-I-I can't
tell you what an honor it is
494
00:21:02,591 --> 00:21:03,591
to share the stage with you.
495
00:21:03,592 --> 00:21:05,635
You're, like, one of my comedic idols.
496
00:21:05,719 --> 00:21:07,929
So I wanted to tell you
that before I eviscerate you
497
00:21:08,013 --> 00:21:09,431
on national television.
498
00:21:09,514 --> 00:21:10,514
Oh, I appreciate that.
499
00:21:10,515 --> 00:21:13,351
- I'll see you out there.
- Can't wait.
500
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:17,981
Now, that...
501
00:21:18,065 --> 00:21:20,275
is a funny young man.
502
00:21:20,358 --> 00:21:21,651
Hmm.
503
00:21:21,735 --> 00:21:22,778
I don't think I've ever heard you call
504
00:21:22,861 --> 00:21:25,363
someone funny who didn't
have a chromosomal disorder.
505
00:21:25,447 --> 00:21:27,282
Oh, don't talk about yourself that way.
506
00:21:28,533 --> 00:21:31,286
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready?
507
00:21:34,372 --> 00:21:36,958
- I said, are you ready?
- All right, girl.
508
00:21:37,042 --> 00:21:38,960
I have to spit out my lozenge.
509
00:21:39,044 --> 00:21:41,797
Damien! Damien!
510
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:45,300
Deborah Vance!
511
00:21:58,021 --> 00:22:00,315
Thank you very much.
512
00:22:00,398 --> 00:22:02,109
Welcome.
513
00:22:02,192 --> 00:22:03,777
I'm Mario Cantone.
514
00:22:03,860 --> 00:22:05,654
You know, when I was asked
515
00:22:05,737 --> 00:22:09,449
to be the roast master
for a trailblazing icon,
516
00:22:09,533 --> 00:22:11,326
I immediately said yes.
517
00:22:11,409 --> 00:22:13,078
But then a couple of days later,
518
00:22:13,161 --> 00:22:14,830
they called back and said
Angela Lansbury just died,
519
00:22:14,913 --> 00:22:18,083
so never mind.
520
00:22:18,166 --> 00:22:23,213
Anyway, we are here to
celebrate Deborah Vance.
521
00:22:23,296 --> 00:22:25,507
Oh, yes.
522
00:22:25,590 --> 00:22:29,427
So our first comedian is
the nicest guy in Hollywood,
523
00:22:29,511 --> 00:22:32,305
which is what people
say when you are pretty
524
00:22:32,389 --> 00:22:34,015
and you have no talent.
525
00:22:34,099 --> 00:22:37,811
Please welcome Jack Danby.
526
00:22:45,986 --> 00:22:50,407
Deborah is so old, she still
calls movies the talkies.
527
00:22:50,490 --> 00:22:51,616
It's not her fault, though.
528
00:22:51,700 --> 00:22:55,370
You don't know what they are
if you can't get cast in them.
529
00:22:55,453 --> 00:22:57,581
Deborah, you're an important reminder
530
00:22:57,664 --> 00:22:59,541
of what my future could look like...
531
00:22:59,624 --> 00:23:01,710
if I don't find a decent plastic surgeon
532
00:23:01,793 --> 00:23:03,044
and just allow a carpenter
to rebuild my face.
533
00:23:03,128 --> 00:23:06,381
Deborah is so old,
534
00:23:06,464 --> 00:23:10,010
she remembers when Roe and Wade
were still very good friends.
535
00:23:10,093 --> 00:23:13,346
Deborah Vance is on my
personal Mount Rushmore.
536
00:23:13,430 --> 00:23:16,057
And by that, I mean, I thought
she died, like, 200 years ago,
537
00:23:16,141 --> 00:23:18,768
and she probably owned slaves.
538
00:23:18,852 --> 00:23:21,521
Tell me, sis. Not today. Not me.
539
00:23:21,605 --> 00:23:25,025
Okay, maybe just for one night.
I'll do some light cleaning.
540
00:23:25,108 --> 00:23:27,152
Deborah's jokes are so cheap,
541
00:23:27,235 --> 00:23:30,864
you'd think the kids in her
QVC sweatshops make them.
542
00:23:30,947 --> 00:23:32,573
Give them water!
They're working so hard!
543
00:23:32,757 --> 00:23:37,370
I've never understood why
Deborah is so huge with gay men.
544
00:23:37,454 --> 00:23:38,538
You are so popular with gay men.
545
00:23:38,622 --> 00:23:42,250
Never got that, and then
I met her, and I realized,
546
00:23:42,334 --> 00:23:43,335
oh, she smells like poppers,
547
00:23:43,418 --> 00:23:46,254
and her face looks like a nut sack.
548
00:23:46,338 --> 00:23:49,591
There you go. Are you
enjoying your evening out?
549
00:23:49,674 --> 00:23:51,801
As we have all made clear tonight,
550
00:23:51,885 --> 00:23:54,638
Deborah Vance has made a lot
of mistakes in her career.
551
00:23:54,721 --> 00:23:59,434
But I'm happy to bring up
her biggest mistake of all...
552
00:23:59,517 --> 00:24:01,853
her daughter, DJ.
553
00:24:01,937 --> 00:24:04,314
You may know DJ from her D'Jewelry line,
554
00:24:04,397 --> 00:24:10,070
which is so ugly, she belongs in d'jail.
555
00:24:10,153 --> 00:24:12,906
Everyone, please welcome DJ Vance.
556
00:24:17,911 --> 00:24:19,454
Whoo!
557
00:24:24,417 --> 00:24:27,713
Hi, I'm DJ Vance. My
mom is here tonight...
558
00:24:28,797 --> 00:24:31,925
is something I could never
say at a ballet recital.
559
00:24:33,426 --> 00:24:35,345
Um, a lot of people think my mom
560
00:24:35,428 --> 00:24:38,056
was a negligent, inattentive mother.
561
00:24:41,893 --> 00:24:43,270
No, I'm just kidding.
562
00:24:43,353 --> 00:24:45,814
My mom gave me everything I have...
563
00:24:45,897 --> 00:24:49,401
a house, an education,
crippling anxiety,
564
00:24:49,484 --> 00:24:52,737
bipolar disorder, multiple subpoenas.
565
00:24:52,821 --> 00:24:54,906
What a cunt!
566
00:24:57,909 --> 00:24:59,619
You know, a lot of
people don't know this,
567
00:24:59,703 --> 00:25:00,711
but I was a C-section birth.
568
00:25:01,012 --> 00:25:03,164
Yeah, not for any medical reasons,
569
00:25:03,248 --> 00:25:05,542
but because my mom says, and I quote,
570
00:25:05,625 --> 00:25:07,669
"I'm known for my grip."
571
00:25:10,130 --> 00:25:11,423
What a cunt!
572
00:25:13,550 --> 00:25:14,718
Wow.
573
00:25:14,801 --> 00:25:16,594
Okay, I was wrong, really wrong.
574
00:25:16,678 --> 00:25:18,346
You know, some of you may know this,
575
00:25:18,430 --> 00:25:21,266
but my mom is always
collecting antiques.
576
00:25:21,349 --> 00:25:24,311
I'm like, bitch, you are an antique.
577
00:25:24,394 --> 00:25:26,146
What a cunt!
578
00:25:26,229 --> 00:25:27,981
Anyway, before I go,
579
00:25:28,064 --> 00:25:30,483
I do just want to say one
last thing to you, Mom.
580
00:25:30,567 --> 00:25:32,610
And I have to apologize...
I know you don't like
581
00:25:32,694 --> 00:25:35,655
when I get all sappy
and sentimental, but...
582
00:25:35,739 --> 00:25:38,867
we've been through a
hell of a lot together.
583
00:25:38,950 --> 00:25:41,328
And I know that we don't
always say this to each other,
584
00:25:41,411 --> 00:25:44,664
but it's important to me that
you know that written on my heart
585
00:25:44,748 --> 00:25:47,876
will always be those
three little words...
586
00:25:47,959 --> 00:25:51,713
What a cunt!
587
00:26:01,806 --> 00:26:05,769
Thank you so much. Thank you.
588
00:26:05,852 --> 00:26:07,634
- You were so funny.
- Stop.
589
00:26:07,635 --> 00:26:08,688
- You killed it.
- Thank you.
590
00:26:08,772 --> 00:26:10,273
- I'm gonna get you a drink.
- Thanks.
591
00:26:10,357 --> 00:26:12,442
- DJ.
- Mm.
592
00:26:12,525 --> 00:26:15,403
- You were incredible.
- Mom, that was amazing.
593
00:26:15,487 --> 00:26:17,238
I have never experienced
anything like that before.
594
00:26:17,322 --> 00:26:18,907
I finally get it.
595
00:26:18,990 --> 00:26:21,409
What?
596
00:26:21,493 --> 00:26:23,536
Why comedy was always the
most important thing to you.
597
00:26:23,620 --> 00:26:24,621
You know, I spent my whole life thinking
598
00:26:24,704 --> 00:26:27,499
you were a narcissist,
but it turns out...
599
00:26:27,582 --> 00:26:30,460
you're actually an addict like me.
600
00:26:30,543 --> 00:26:32,587
You're addicted to getting laughs.
601
00:26:32,670 --> 00:26:35,590
And, I mean, I can go to group
to stay sober, but you can't.
602
00:26:35,673 --> 00:26:37,509
Your addiction is the group.
603
00:26:37,592 --> 00:26:40,095
There's no hope for you.
604
00:26:40,178 --> 00:26:42,305
Oh, my God, I feel so much better.
605
00:26:42,389 --> 00:26:44,974
Oh, good... I think.
606
00:26:45,058 --> 00:26:47,519
Um, well, anyway, you were just amazing.
607
00:26:47,602 --> 00:26:51,064
And I'm sorry I ever underestimated you.
608
00:26:51,147 --> 00:26:52,732
Thank you.
609
00:26:52,816 --> 00:26:54,576
If you ever want me to go
back to group with you...
610
00:26:54,577 --> 00:26:56,061
No, no, no, I'm good.
611
00:26:56,444 --> 00:26:59,114
I'm sorry about the way I acted.
612
00:26:59,197 --> 00:27:00,240
That's okay.
613
00:27:00,323 --> 00:27:04,202
Addicts always hurt the ones they love.
614
00:27:04,285 --> 00:27:07,538
- And it's completely non-invasive?
- Completely.
615
00:27:07,539 --> 00:27:09,290
You were on bed rest for two weeks.
616
00:27:09,374 --> 00:27:10,374
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
617
00:27:10,417 --> 00:27:12,460
I mean, that's huge.
618
00:27:12,544 --> 00:27:15,797
And I will say, it couldn't
happen to a nicer guy.
619
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:17,298
Someone funnier, yes.
620
00:27:19,092 --> 00:27:20,885
What are we congratulating you on?
621
00:27:20,969 --> 00:27:22,804
A Deadline article just came out.
622
00:27:22,887 --> 00:27:24,639
Danny Collins is retiring,
623
00:27:24,722 --> 00:27:28,810
and apparently Jack is the
front-runner to replace him.
624
00:27:28,893 --> 00:27:30,478
Is that right?
625
00:27:30,562 --> 00:27:33,356
It's just a rumor right
now, so I don't know.
626
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:35,525
- What don't you know?
- Well, uh...
627
00:27:35,608 --> 00:27:38,528
No, no, no, no, it's great. It's great.
628
00:27:38,611 --> 00:27:40,780
You're perfect for it.
You're generically funny.
629
00:27:42,532 --> 00:27:44,993
Excuse us.
630
00:27:45,076 --> 00:27:47,078
I guess you don't
find him funny anymore.
631
00:27:47,162 --> 00:27:49,080
- Smug piece of shit.
- Ooh.
632
00:27:49,164 --> 00:27:50,222
Come on, we got work to do.
633
00:27:54,043 --> 00:27:56,254
Good morning.
634
00:27:56,337 --> 00:27:59,174
I thought you might
want your lozenge back.
635
00:27:59,257 --> 00:28:00,341
Ew, no.
636
00:28:00,425 --> 00:28:02,427
God, that's been in your hand.
637
00:28:02,510 --> 00:28:05,180
God knows how many germs there
are in that giant ecosystem.
638
00:28:05,263 --> 00:28:07,348
Perfect segue.
639
00:28:07,432 --> 00:28:09,601
I'm only here for another 86 days.
640
00:28:09,684 --> 00:28:12,436
So I would love to set some boundaries
for our working relationship.
641
00:28:12,437 --> 00:28:14,814
"Boundaries"? Okay.
642
00:28:14,898 --> 00:28:16,756
I would prefer that you
use the outdoor shower.
643
00:28:16,757 --> 00:28:19,320
I'm serious, okay? This
isn't the same as before.
644
00:28:19,321 --> 00:28:20,328
I'm a co-producer now.
645
00:28:20,329 --> 00:28:23,531
Ooh, la, la, a co-producer.
646
00:28:24,908 --> 00:28:28,495
Oh, fine, fine. What do you want?
647
00:28:28,578 --> 00:28:30,622
Well, to start, I would like
you to stop handing me things
648
00:28:30,705 --> 00:28:32,373
that have been inside your mouth
649
00:28:32,457 --> 00:28:34,501
or asking me to fire people.
650
00:28:34,584 --> 00:28:36,586
Fine. Deal.
651
00:28:36,669 --> 00:28:38,129
I'm actually not done.
652
00:28:38,213 --> 00:28:40,215
I want you to knock
before you enter my room.
653
00:28:40,298 --> 00:28:43,593
I want clearer-cut set work
hours with overtime pay.
654
00:28:43,676 --> 00:28:45,220
I'm not going to be
writing personal material
655
00:28:45,303 --> 00:28:46,930
for you anymore.
656
00:28:47,013 --> 00:28:49,098
And no more jokes about
my physical appearance.
657
00:28:49,182 --> 00:28:51,684
Yeah, nothing about my face, my hair,
658
00:28:51,768 --> 00:28:53,811
you know, what I'm
wearing, what I'm eating,
659
00:28:53,895 --> 00:28:56,064
and, most importantly,
the size of my hands.
660
00:28:56,147 --> 00:28:58,900
Oh, come on, now, those
are grandfathered in.
661
00:28:58,983 --> 00:29:02,445
I can go back to LA right now.
662
00:29:02,529 --> 00:29:03,655
All right. All right.
663
00:29:03,738 --> 00:29:07,575
I agree to your terms...
but on one condition.
664
00:29:07,659 --> 00:29:10,036
I'm not going to your bra
lady for a fitting, okay?
665
00:29:10,119 --> 00:29:13,331
My bra fits fine. Yeah, it kind
of hurts, but that's what bras are.
666
00:29:13,414 --> 00:29:14,749
No, no, no, no, no, no.
667
00:29:14,832 --> 00:29:16,376
While you're here,
668
00:29:16,459 --> 00:29:19,045
you make time to work on your own stuff.
669
00:29:19,128 --> 00:29:20,922
Oh.
670
00:29:21,005 --> 00:29:22,131
Okay.
671
00:29:22,215 --> 00:29:23,215
Deal.
672
00:29:23,258 --> 00:29:26,511
Deal.
673
00:29:26,594 --> 00:29:28,137
Okay, cool.
674
00:29:28,221 --> 00:29:30,223
So you're doing Hoda on Monday, right?
675
00:29:30,306 --> 00:29:32,056
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. So I feel like
676
00:29:32,457 --> 00:29:35,436
over the weekend, I could
probably get some stuff together,
677
00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:38,231
but I think the Carrot Top
stuff is, like, pretty timeless.
678
00:29:38,314 --> 00:29:39,314
Um, but I also kind of had the idea
679
00:29:39,357 --> 00:29:42,318
that maybe we bring out
some of the old footage,
680
00:29:42,402 --> 00:29:44,779
which kind of could be major,
681
00:29:44,862 --> 00:29:46,948
um, just since it's already
ready and you have that video.
682
00:29:47,031 --> 00:29:48,866
And, also, I think that appeals to more
683
00:29:48,950 --> 00:29:49,950
of, like, a, you know, wider crowd.
684
00:29:49,993 --> 00:29:52,453
That's something that
can... What's up, Josefina?
685
00:29:52,537 --> 00:29:53,955
- Ava.
- Yeah?
686
00:29:54,038 --> 00:29:55,957
Do you need me to give your hair CPR?
687
00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:57,458
Because it is limp and lifeless.
688
00:29:57,542 --> 00:30:00,169
Oh, my God, are you serious?
689
00:30:00,253 --> 00:30:01,504
That is not fair.
690
00:30:01,588 --> 00:30:03,464
No workarounds.
691
00:30:03,548 --> 00:30:06,426
- Also, Ava...
- No.
692
00:30:06,509 --> 00:30:08,469
I have started the Mediterranean diet,
693
00:30:08,553 --> 00:30:10,138
and I am out of olive oil.
694
00:30:10,221 --> 00:30:11,472
Can I use your forehead?
695
00:30:11,556 --> 00:30:12,807
Oh.
696
00:30:12,890 --> 00:30:15,643
That's funny.
697
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:21,000
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